Thursday, November 17, 2011

Blurred Lines

For many years my perception of life was very much black and white. My peripherial vision was shadowed and things were manageable because they were easily compartmentalized. The space that I occupied in the world was minute and as long as I stayed on course everything would be fine. As I moved towards adulthood, my teenage mind was extremely persuasive. As long as I stuck to my morals and values, was true to my faith and followed all the elaborate dreams my little mind could concoct, what could go wrong? Everything yet nothing. With each challenge, heartbreak and disappointment I faced, I battled not so much with the problem but my perception of it and that person under the tangible shell. Little did I know that each circumstance was a test; sometimes repeated under a different guise, but nonetheless a test, that when the light bulb went on, became a milestone in my life. These awakenings did not happen overnight, no, no, they have taken years, decades in fact to accumulate. And so many, many years later, from a time that I thought I had it all figured out, a loving voice echoes in my head. That voice is of my grandmother. A woman who experienced the death of her mother at the tender age of six, lived through two world wars and the pain of poverty. In what was simplicity in her life, she was able to see things and craft words of wisdom that no scholar could. She knew well enough to pass those on to me. Although those words were spoken at a time that my young mind heard but could not process, there was definitley staying power. Those words have lingered, occassionally surfacing waiting to be validated. Now, at what I think may be the half way point of my life they finally make sense. All my convictions are now wavering (except my faith). I am humbled. Not regretful though, because that would negate all the valuable lessons I gained through each fall.
Everything is not black and white. You are probably expecting me to say it's all grey; sorry to disappoint but it's not grey either. It just is what it is. So I'll leave you with the most profound words my grandmother shared, "When I close my eyes that's when you will see." Translucent blurred lines.

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